An essay on indulging in your fantasies and the price you pay to do so
25 July 2003
What would you tell someone who has just told you that they have “come undone?” I would ask “what the crap do you mean?” and then they would give me one of the following:
un·done v. tr.
To reverse or erase; annul: impossible to undo the suffering caused by the war.
To untie, disassemble, or loosen: undo a shoelace.
To open (a parcel, for example); unwrap.
To cause the ruin or downfall of; destroy.
To throw into confusion; unsettle.
Obsolete. To solve or interpret; unravel.
I feel this way, number five specifically. I feel unsettled. This is after a marathon four-hour instant messaging conversation with my old obsession from high school.
I never used to have the courage to explore my fantasies—the things that I want but never got. But I had this dream about six months ago and I thought to myself:
“hey, I’m above this. I’m not shy anymore. I don’t hold back. And I don’t care what other people think of me. My self esteem is through the roof (hence, dianatkach.com). And, most importantly maybe, I’m not scared to take a plunge into the unknown.”
So I wrote the email generated by nothing but good intentions. And after I had nearly forgotten about it, I received a reply. To me, my endeavor was a success and if I had the courage (or the time, really), I would subsequently start emailing everyone I ever had a crush on.
The price paid comes with the bitter but true realization that this man is just an upgraded version of my preexisting 1/2 fiancée—more responsible, intelligent, determined, and more emotionally stable.
I’ve got my Annie Lennox on in the background and she’s singing about the bitter pill to swallow. My own bitter pill is simply this: Do I live my life in near agony because of the whining, complaining, and anger (never physical) I regularly subject myself to, or do I see what else is out there? Why am I compromising myself and why, when others ask me about my relationship, do I always have an answer until just recently? I’m at a crossroads and I’m not sure what to do. It’s terrifying to think that the path that I’m choosing for my life may not be what I want at all. This is why 50% of marriage leads to divorce. I can see everything crumbling.
But what about the coming undone? Why is my love life unraveling right before me? Why can I only see Don for the bad things?
We just recently had a conversation (because Don is insecure) about why we are on the road to getting married if we don’t have much in common. I tried to explain that some people need a little variety, that living with someone just like yourself is ignorant and makes for little surprise. But what happens when the same old story grows tiresome? And how do you deal with that for the rest of your life?
Of course my favorite part of this editorial is the fact that I know Don will never read it. I am profoundly hurt that even with a cable internet connection he refuses to visit my website, something that I work very hard at.
Maybe the price isn’t so high...